Today’s Q & A comes to us from Rosalind Sedacca, one of our specialists on this site. Thank you Rosalind for sharing your expertise with us in this way.
Q: Hello. I am a single parent and I have been cautious as to who I bring home since I have 2 kids, ages 5 and 8. Lately, I have been seeing a guy I really like and I have a good “feel” about him…like he and I could really have something special. But, part of me is still unsure if, after dating for 4 months, it is the right time to introduce him to my kids. Any advice on this would be appreciated.
Jennifer
—San Antonio, Texas
A: You’re being wise in being cautious. Good for you. Take your time and trust your gut on when it’s the right time to introduce him to the kids. Then do it very slowly in very social circumstances. Start outside of your home first: meet at a park, fast-food restaurant, day at the zoo, etc. See how the kids react and how he interacts with them. If it looks good, invite him home for lunch one day, then dinner followed by a TV movie and popcorn. Ask the kids how they like him. Ask him how he likes the kids.
If you see red flag warning signs, trust your gut on this. You can also ask him to see a therapist or coach along with you to iron out some areas that concern you. Watch him react when the kids act out or are annoying. That’s how you can tell whether he can handle this new reality on a permanent basis. Take it very slow. Watch, listen and make sure the kids know they mean more to you than this new man – always!
–Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce & Parenting Coach and Dating & Relationship Coach
http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
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Once you feel comfortable in the relationship and you both have discussed the transitions regarding the kids, you should discuss it with the kids before you introduce your friend to them. They have lost a person with whom they have developed a relationship, and it will be a challenge for them to trust another person again as they will fear the same thing may happen. Do not be surprised if the kids stay away from your friend although you have a discussion with them. It is best to allow the kids to interact at the level that they feel comfortable. You should really ask your friend what he is looking for, a short term friendship or a relationship. Based on his answers you will better know how to proceed or decide if he should even meet your kids. Trust your kids instincts. They are good at picking up negative vibes.
I invite any and all questions about relationships and kids. Rosalind has said that she would be happy to provide answers to any questions related to divorce and parenting issues. I am happy to do whatever I can to help your parenting life go smoothly. Parent relationships hold the key to child success.
Appreciate your excellent suggestions, Daseta. It’s up to us as Moms to select potential partners keeping our children’s needs in mind. In addition, the better your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse, the easier it will be for your children to accept another partner in the picture. Remember too, that no partner should ever replace their father as father. It’s much easier to accept Mom’s new friend than a substitute Dad. Honor the love your kids have for both parents and it will help you make wiser decisions all the way through.