Recently, I asked Wendy from Kidlutions if I could pick her brain. My kids are currently going through that, "I won't listen to ANYTHING you ask me to do" phase and it's driving me batty.

Even with my background in early childhood, nanny work, preschool work and education I find it frustrating to live in the middle of this phase. When my kids were younger they had a greater tendency to respect what I said. When my eldest son (now 13) was between the ages of about 6 and 8 he listened to me quite a bit, hanging on my words and taking the advice to heart. Once he reached age 10, he began to question everything I said but still - we have long talks about varying issues and can reason with one another on most occasions.

My younger kids are now 3 and 5 and they find it hilarious to ignore our instructions, laugh when we ask them to put something away or to sit down, yell the very words we asked them NOT to say in public, etc.

Here is the email that I sent to Wendy, begging for help:

Rick and I have really been trying hard to reason with our 5-year-old when she has tantrums. Talking, logic, reason, explaining natural consequences, attempting to empathize with her anger, etc. But there are some days when she is simply AWFUL. She will mock us to our faces, slam doors, hurl toys at the door, scream FULL FORCE, yell at us, call us BABIES or some such word. We understand that many times, and long term speaking, talking is best. But what about those moments when the short term needs attention? She believes that she can treat us that way, why? Because there are not enough consequences? Because we seem weak if we don’t have a harsher punishment? I just don’t know. Is this simply an age thing and she will outgrow it by age 6?

My mother offered some ideas this week, after seeing my daughter in action (my mom was pretty upset about how she was behaving). She has such a temper sometimes and she has certainly never seen us behave that way. We don’t scream or slam doors or yell names or hurl things at doors. So this is not learned behavior by any means. It’s internal. So what do we do when the talking and reasoning do not work with her? When she just screams in my face, “I will NOT do what you want! You can’t tell me what to do! And if you take my candy away I will just get a stool and get it back! HAHAHAHAHA!” Mocking me.

What do I do about that blatant disrespect? Sometimes the kids just look right at us, make eye contact, and do exactly what we asked them not to do. Basically begging us to react and get mad. I’ll say, “You may not _________.” And they will walk right over and do JUST what I told them not to do. Clear and blatant disobedience.

Do we ignore this? If we don’t have time-out what do we do? What do we say? This is where we are at a loss right now!! The blatant and clear disobedience while they mock us, as they do JUST what we told them not to do. It’s like they are saying, “Ha. What are YOU gonna do about it? Huh? WHAT?”

Wendy took the time to reply in a lengthy note (thank you!). Here is what she had to say:

“Why I Ought To!”

I KNOW, believe me I KNOW that a parent’s first response to the above scenario might be, "Why, I ought to!" or "Listen, you won't get away with that here!" or "I'll show you who's boss!", or something to that effect.  These kinds of behaviors push our parental buttons into overdrive.  They ignite our imaginations and our emotions, often giving us a surge of creative thinking that sends us down the slippery slope of parental negativity. 

We start believing, "This kid will end up being ungrateful, ill-mannered, self-centered, socially inept and just not the kind of human being that I had planned on raising!" This really isn’t so much the case, but we are convinced that it is.  And who can blame us?

Most of us, present company included, have been reared in a society that says, “If you do the crime, you must do the time.”  And our society has long viewed misguided childhood behavior as a “crime”, the sort of which must have a consequence for each infraction.  We have continued to subscribe to the notion that in order to be a good parent, we must swoop in and deliver a consequence whenever our child steps out of line.   If we really love our children, it’s what we do so that they develop a sense of right from wrong.  The motivation for this comes from a good place.  We all want kids who do the right thing. We’ve just been going about it in an antiquated way.

Hoodwinked

For years, we’ve operated in a system that is built on punishment.  We apply adult expectations on a child whose brain and body are nowhere near developed.   The majority of parents operate from this perspective and a good many parenting books give parents “recipes” of how to deal with violations from A-Z.  We buy into these notions and dole out the punishments condoned by the experts (they usually have lots of letters after their names).  We deliver these penalties time and time again.  And then some.  And do it some more.  We may see some behavioral improvements after aversive techniques (time-out, removal of privileges and such) and say, “Aha! It works!”  Until our kids do it again.  So we apply more of the same, then maybe more of it. And we wait.  And wait.  And we engage in these “interventions” as long as our kids act up  need it.

It is antiquated and almost silly, when you think about it, because what we are doing is punishing our children for not knowing how to handle their BIG feelings.  We chastise and reprimand them for skill deficits and for making errors that are often beyond their control.  And, yes, we punish them because of the feelings they stir up inside of us (anger, overwhelm, irritation, disgust, repulsion, fear).  We operate from the mantra, “Step outside of the lines, and you will get a consequence!”  After all, our parents raised us that way, and we turned out okay.  But, what if we turned out okay in spite of the consequences, not because of them?

Keeping Good Company

The behavioral scenario mentioned in the question above plays itself out in many homes across the land.  You are in good company, but that is a small consolation when you have steam coming out of your ears as a result of what a pint-sized person just said to you.  Would it comfort you to know that the behavior has nothing to do with you, necessarily, and more to do with your child and how she is feeling? 

The behavior you describe is the behavior of a child who is upset, who is feeling very emotionally out of control, who does not have the verbal skills to explain everything that is going on inside of her and who has simply short-circuited.  My very “clinical” term for this would be discombobulated. I’ve seen the likes of it in my own home on many, many occasions when my own kids were younger! See like I said, “You are not alone!” 

The child in this situation has not yet developed the cognitive or language skills required to say, “I’m incredibly upset right now, so I think I’ll just walk away to spend some time in my room and take some deep breaths, while I visualize myself calming down.  Perhaps I’ll run in place and do a quick workout, maybe dial up a friend to chat and discuss this upset, and slide into a few yoga moves to get centered.  When I’m more in control I’ll come back out so we can have a chat and continue on with our nice day!” 

It will take years before she gets to that point, but I can almost guarantee it will happen with the proper guidance and support. Well, okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit.  She won’t be calling her friend.  She’ll likely text her, instead!  But, I digress. Let’s get down to business here.

What to Do, What to Do?

When a child is in thermo-nuclear meltdown, there isn’t much sense in us trying to rationalize, be logical or carry on long-winded conversations.  (Right now, it’s more important what you say to yourself, than what you say to her!  Really!)

Here are some steps which might be helpful:

1. Tell yourself, “This is not about ME!” Do NOT personalize your child’s behavior.
2. Recognize your child needs YOUR help in learning better ways to handle BIG feelings.
3. Pay less attention to the words your child is using “You’re a baby!”, “I hate you!”, “You stink!” and more attention to the fact that her feelings are way bigger than she is.
4. Instead of focusing on what you are going to DO to make your child behave, focus on what you can do to validate her strong emotions   HER CALM DOWN.
5. Your job in this moment is to help her learn how to label what she is feeling and for her to get the point that you are in her corner.

Say to your child:

1. I can see that your upset feelings are really BIG.
2. What can I do to help you calm down right now? (You might want to have one or two ways to offer that you know will help her, “Would you like me to rub your back?” “Do you want to take a few laps around the house while I watch you run your angry feelings out?” “Do you want to pound on playdough until your mad feelings have shrunk down?”  This may seem counterintuitive when your head is reeling, but I urge you to try it and see how it works.  It may take a good few times until your child realizes you are on her side and are trying to help.  She may try to engage you in old ways (yelling, getting angry, etc) but don’t take the bait.  Stay calm.  Stay strong.  You are in the bigger body with the bigger brain.  It’s a grand design.  You CAN teach her a better way!
3. Provide a limit. “In our family, we do not throw our things when we are mad.  You can use your mad box and I’ll help you calm down.”

Later:

When things have calmed down a bit for both of you is the time to start trying to figure out what may have prompted the behavior.  Are there major changes taking place in the family?  Has there been a recent change in family dynamics?  Are there stressors going on in the family that trickle down and impact the child?  Have the parents been stressed out recently? (Kids can sense this whether or not they overhear you talking about it.)  Maybe this child has temperamental traits that make her reactions stronger than the average child’s?  Maybe was it just some internal conflict the child was having?  Was it just a “difficult” day?  Some parents think this reflection is a way to “excuse” the behavior.  This is not the case at all.  This reflection is to help figure out what is causing stress for the child.  It will help you help the child to “connect the dots” and start to understand that feelings underlie behavior.  It’s the starting point to help her begin to tell you, “I’m feeling left out, I feel mad, I’m sad and need some snuggle time and TLC.” 

Word

My final thought to share is the fact that the best way that kids learn is by being taught, not by being punished.  When is the last time a teacher put a child in time-out because he didn’t get a math answer correct or couldn’t tie his shoes?  It simply doesn’t happen.  Why, then, do we think that it would work any better for behaviors?  The answer lies in teaching for a better tomorrow!

Happy parenting!

ABOUT the Author:

Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD is the mom of three kids still at home, an award-winning Child & Family Therapist and the founder of Kidlutions: Solutions for Kids, the Kidlutions Preferred Product Awards, and the Kidlutions Seal of Approval.  She created The Anger Toolbox for Kids to help parents support kids with BIG tempers.  She blogs at Spin-Doctor Parenting {and teaching!} and is the behavioral health expert for momtourage.com.