You might be wondering, "What does this have to do with early childhood?" Well, come along with me, on a little journey of the heart and together we'll ponder this through...

The Cycle

Over the years I've volunteered with at-risk/low income women and men (of varying ages), mentoring them through pregnancy and offering parenting lessons/classes/skill building tips and so on. Some of these folks are married and some are not. Some of them are young and others are older.

There's one thing that many of the gals have had in common, though: they choose abusive guys.

One evening, I went in to volunteer. I was in good spirits and looking forward to an evening of teaching, mentoring and building up. I was a young mother myself and I know what a huge difference a support system can make. When we feel alone, we're isolated and scared and we want to give up and give in. When we have someone helping us, we can fight, push through, find our inner strength and overcome the hurdles...and live to tell an amazing testimony of triumph!

That is what's kept me helping, truth be told: knowing that everyone needs a life cheerleader. Not someone saying, "You can't do this because you're not capable enough or smart enough, anyway - so you might as well quit" but rather, "You CAN do it! I'll help you!"

Back to the evening of which I mentioned:

A woman came in, pregnant with her second child. She told us about the man she was dating...the drinking, drugs, yelling and name calling. She said, "I don't know why he keeps telling me it's my fault. He thinks I'm horrible for even considering leaving him."

I said, "I'm quite certain you know full well that this has nothing to do with you at all. No doubt he was raised by someone who drank, doped up and name called. It's all he knows. He's just repeating the cycle."

She replied, "Oh, yes. Everyone in his family treated him that way."

I said, "There you go. So now you get to choose, don't you? You have to accept that you didn't cause him to be this way nor will you be the one to fix it. You can only make choices for YOU and for your child. How can staying inside this dynamic possibly be better than living alone? Living alone will be calmer, less stressful and you'll have a chance to rebuild your own self esteem and self worth."

The gal walked away to go and shop in our thrift store.

My co-volunteer said, "Should we say anything more? Do anything more?"

I replied, "Like what? We can only water the seeds of doubt that have already been planted in her mind about leaving him. We can't make her do it, though. Only she can make that choice for herself."

Later in the evening she told us about her string of abusive guys...one after the next. On her way out she mentioned, "Why can't men just be cool?"

To which I replied, "Instead...how about YOU choose a better one? How about YOU break the cycle of choosing abusive guys?" {This woman had a grade school daughter herself and another child on the way...she needed to hear a mini lecture, straight-up.}

If I had a chance to say what's really on my mind, to the parents of young girls, here's what I would say:

Right here, right now, you have a chance to model good choices for your young daughter(s). You have the opportunity, right now, to show your daughter(s) that no one deserves to be beaten down, verbally abused, hit or belittled.

Right now you get to parent your daughter(s) with love, affection, healthy self esteem building techniques and empowerment. Teach your daughter(s) to respect her mind, body and soul. Teach her that abuse does not = love. Model self respect and wise choices for her so that she will know how to choose wisely when you are no longer around.

If your own self worth has been dragged through the mud, seek help. Find a friend or counselor who will assist you in working through your own past and the hurts that keep you bogged down inside that emotional sinking sand. Refuse to allow the hurts of your past to hinder your own future. REFUSE to give in or give up. REFUSE to model harmful and hurtful choices for your daughter(s) because you want better for her! You don't want her living the same cycle that you lived, right? You love her more than that!

Give your daughter(s) something to hope for: a happy future where love is found, acceptance is offered and drugs and hitting are unacceptable. Choose to be alone if that's what it takes. Choose to fight for your daughter(s) even if that means you'll be lonely and your bed will be cold. Who cares? Doesn't your daughter matter more than the sexual partners who come and go?

Doesn't she?

She ought to.

When you do go seeking a mate, find one who treats you kindly so that your daughter(s) will know what that looks like and feels like. Give her the gift of wise choice-making, healthy self esteem, self respect and life potential.

Break the cycle of abuse.

Now.

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Further reading:

Abuse is a choice for both the poor and the rich

My molestation story

Are you mothering a mugshot?

My story of near-rape

Your child's best defense is YOUR warning

The King's Speech : early childhood connections!