Until this point, I have never written on the topic of "Gifted." I've steered clear for various reasons. I am now ready (I think!) to share my thoughts and opinions on the matter - so here goes. This is my story...take it or leave it.

  My firstborn son was a big surprise. SURPRISE! You're pregnant! If you don't yet know my story, catch up here.

As my mother and I watched Chandler navigate his world, with vision in only one eye, it caught our attention that he really seemed to be...highly capable. He figured out, at a few weeks old, how to track with his forefinger in order to compensate for the loss of vision in his right eye. We watched his behavior day after day and I'd ask my mother, "Is that normal? Do all kids do things like that? Or are his senses just heightened because of the vision loss?" My mother had been working in the education field for many years. I drew on her experience in order to give myself a form of reference.

Finally my mother spilled her beans: "I don't think his behavior is normal, no. I think he's Gifted."

I had never really thought much about that term prior to our chats. My first response was this: "Oh, sure. What parent doesn't think their kid is GIFTED? Give me a break. I will not be one of those snobby moms who goes around talking about how freak'n smart her kid is. All kids are smart in one way or another. I love Gardner's philosophy of Multiple Intelligences and I believe that every human has great potential. If their potential is seen and valued (noteably from the moment of conception on), they will undoubtedly sparkle in their given area(s).

So there I was, wondering how to carry on. Do I talk about this? Explore it? Ignore it? Let well enough alone?

Here was one of my biggest dilemmas:

Judgment from other mothers, from my friends and from my child's teachers.

No other mother wants to hear you say, "My child is Gifted!" Especially when your kid has only been on the planet for a matter of months. So I decided to keep quiet. I decided to let well enough alone and carry on, as anyone might, allowing my son to play and explore and...be a kid.

He continued to do things that made me step back. His language abilty was insane. His ability to reason with me, at the age of two, was frightening. I felt as though I was talking to a mini lawyer, defending my parenting actions and having to come up with valid reasons for my decisions. If not, he called me on it every time, questioning my ethical stand or my factual basis or talking me through the possible consequences of the plan I had layed out before him.

At the age of four we drove by a gas station and he stated: "Gas is now 1.69 a gallon. For two gallons you will have to pay $3.38. For three gallons you will pay $5.07. For six gallons you will pay $10.14." I turned around to see if he had pulled the calculator from my purse. Nope.

By the time he entered Kindergarten I was pretty darn sure - this kid is Gifted. But how do I tell his teacher? At that time I was attending EDU courses at my local college. One of my instructors (loved her) was the head of the Gifted Program for the elementary students in her district. She would tell us stories about the ANNOYING parents who demanded that she test their kids saying, "I know my sweet girl is Gifted. Test her! Now!" The sweet girl would take the test, fail the test, and the parent would scream, "Do it again! Test her again!" One parent demanded the test be given five times over. This poor child was forced to test five times...only to fail five times...only to have her father gravely disappointed in her. How awful.

My son's Kindergarten teacher sat him at a table with five other children. Every month the kids in her class would rotate around but the five kids at my son's table would stay put. She labeled those kids "the high learners" and even had them help the other children from time to time. I was fine with my son helping but also wanted HIM to get the help he needed - to be ... yes ... that ever-annoying word that teachers hate: "Challenged."

He wasn't challenged. By the end of Kindergarten he was reading so far ahead that I had to supplement books at home, worksheets at home, trips to the museums, etc. I asked his teacher to offer him *more.* She replied, "Please just supplement at home." In other words - "I don't have time to focus on him. The other kids need more help. He is fine."

In the first grade my son's teacher had a background in Montessori. He adored her and still talks about her to this day. She gave him more hands-on activities, arts and crafts and allowed him to read ahead and enjoy a more challenging math curriculum. Other parents would read with my son in the hallway in order to test him for school records. Later, they would say things to me like, "He is really smart. I am really smart. Did you know that? He can read words that even I don't know the meaning of. I had to look them up in the dictionary to be sure he knew what he was talking about. And his math! He can do those problems in his head! Did you know that?"

Mmmm....Hmmm.

At the end of first grade they gave him a test of some sort. They told me that he ought to be skipping a grade, perhaps. Based on the studies I had read about that, I decided I did not want him skipping ahead. Socially, I wanted him to remain with his peers and to enjoy his move into puberty when the time came - and no sooner.

The school put him into a combo class: a mixed class of two grades. For the first year he was able to watch older children and learn from them. For the second year he was asked to help the younger children more often. He took on a leadership role that year.

We then moved to the town we live in now. He entered 4th grade in our local public school. The teacher asked me why he already knew the material. I stated, "He already did 4th grade work last year, in the 3rd grade." Ohh...well, what can we do now? We attempted to give him 5th grade work during his 4th grade year but he got angry. He didn't want to be 'different.' He liked the idea of doing the 4th grade work because it was easy. He would finish so quickly that he'd then be able to play games or read a book of his own choosing.

One day his teacher told me that she needed to chat with us. Chandler was calling her out in the middle of class. Any time she made a mistake he'd say, "That's not right. You didn't do that equation correctly. Let me show you how to do it." She didn't care for that behavior (imagine). She wanted us to talk with him and explain his place.

The school decided to have him tested. Yes. The Gifted Exam. Rather than test him at the 4th grade level they tested him at the 5th grade level (even though he was currently in the 4th grade). He passed. He passed well.

Now what?

The topic of skipping a grade was again brought up. The children in my son's class have become buddies - friends - pals. Did we want to pull him from that and place him in a room with older children who will be entering puberty at a sooner date and experiencing body changes faster than our son?

No.

We want him to enjoy his time as a kid. Not to grow up too quickly. To take his time playing and having fun and growing into the man he is supposed to be...all in good time.

We argue a lot with Chandler. On a daily basis, in fact. He exhausts us to no end. His brain works and moves so quickly that it's sometimes hard to keep up. He twitches every now and then - bodily jerks and noises.

When I was a kid my parents were always saying: "Stop twitching, Shara. Don't make those noises. Why are you so anxious?"

I see so much of myself in my son. It took me years to grow into who I was - to embrace "me." I lacked the self esteem to enjoy myself at an early age and I don't want to take that away from my son. I want to focus more on his self esteem than on his possible label of "Gifted." I want him to know he is capable of anything and everything but I do not want to remain so focused on what he WILL be that I ignore what he IS right now.

What he IS right now is a child. A child who needs time to run and jump and play and God help me - talk back (because that does, in fact, continue to build his critical thinking skills). I have asked him if he'd like to attend Private School. We can't afford it but I'll get a full-time job if needed, if his heart is desirous of such a school. His resounding answer is this: "NO! I do not want to attend Private School. I want to be with my friends."

Okay, then. I'll respect that desire, sit back and trust. I will trust that God has his days planned out and knows exactly who my son is supposed to be, even if we don't push his Gifted potential as far as it could possibly go.

Do I wish his school had funding for Gifted Programs right there on campus?

Without a doubt.

Am I going to do what I can, at home, to foster his talents and abilities?

Yes. I will do the same for my other two children, also.

Am I willing to speak out loud that I believe my son is Gifted?

Yes. I am.

Am I going to apologize to others for admitting this?

No. I am not.

Am I going to make the term Gifted the basis of who he is and how I define him?

No. I'm not.

I believe that everything will come in stride; as it's meant to. We take it one day at a time and continue to hope that Gifted funding will come to his school but in the meantime...

He plays.

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Resources:

Ingenious : Gifted Perspective (Deborah Mersino)

Is your child gifted? (Parenting.com)

The Junior Meritocracy (New York Times)

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ABOUT the Author:

Shara Lawrence-Weiss is the owner of Mommy Perks, Kid Perks and Personal Child Stories. She has a background in early childhood, nanny work, published freelance, marketing and special needs.